One of the days...

Today is one of the days when despite all the reasons to be happy, I feel the opposite.

I fear that this all might turn out to be surreal, perhaps I was insecure about it for so long that I can't accept that someone I care about dearly and is ready to try and make it work.

Perhaps I wanted this so badly that now I fear I obliged you to be nice to me, and you are just finding a way to convince me this is not what we want, and that I end it all.

By now I have already learned that you are not someone who shows affection by words, but action, and I admire that. I have always admired people who were able to keep things to themselves, but still managed to be affectionate and wordy when it is needed. Still, as I have told so many times before, I am the exact opposite and despite of everything I know, I need words, I need you to answer my questions, to make it clear on what I can expect and what not.

Please stay as sweet and as thoughtful as you are so far.... I enjoy everyday talks with you. I like to believe that we can build this castle into a higher, tougher, pretty castle.
I hope we can build this story into something wonderful. I want to share the tropical days, nights, moons, stars, sunshines, thunders...the good and the bad days.

Not a day goes by without me trying to remember what I have written to you...It is strange how little I can remember, despite the countless times I read it and cried over it...And still, not a day goes by without me thinking how wonderful this ending/new beginning has been.

Please carry on being so sweet to me, I promise to do my best for you. xx

withdrawal effects

I thought it was a right choice to give you the key to my secret writings. I thought that perhaps if I pour my heart onto the paper, I might provoke you to be honest with me too. And I did, to a certain extent. Truth be told, not as much as I hoped.

At first you opened up, and from what I could see tried to reach me, and change things for the better, but past few days, you have been your old self. cold, distant. caved in, unapproachable.
I try to be understanding, accepting, compromising, but there is a limit to that too. Humans are not made to be only giving and not receiving anything in return. I have tried, and I can do it for some time, but can't build my life on shatters of previous relationships, neither yours nor mine.

I can't and I wont't compete with anyone who held a dear spot in your heart before me.
I don't deserve to be punished for someone's behaviour or attitude. I am not punishing you for what other people did to me, so why does it feel like I am being punished?

Please understand that this heart of mine is a tender one, and either take it or leave it, because if it breaks once again, none of us will have any use of it.

I have decided to write a separate blog because I am having a heart time writing honestly, and knowing that you can access. Therefore, if I ever again feel you need to know how I really feel, I will link the two.

tvb